It’s day 25 on the alien planet. I counted. 25 days since DC Public Schools announced their temporary closure. 25 Days since I stopped living in denial about the reality of COVID-19. As long as I had work to get up and go to everyday, I could keep telling myself that my world was still normal. Sure, COVID had put China on lock down over a month prior–as an online ESL teacher, I felt I was more aware of this than others, given that I was seeing first hand how the lock down was affecting my own students during each of our classes together. Sure, COVID was making its presence known on the West Coast of the United States, particularly in Washington State. Sure, there were a few confirmed cases of in DC and the surrounding area…but I was still getting up and going to work and going about my daily life as usual, and that made my life feel normal, unaffected by this illness that was ravaging the lives of so many. There were a few signs of concern here and there–the Sunday prior (my birthday of all days), I was refused a for-here cup at a coffee shop; due to concerns about the virus, the coffee shop in question was only giving its customers disposable cups. It had become more common place to see friends and acquaintances and hear, “Are you good to hug?” before embracing. The reminder to wash hands and be more vigilant about cleanliness was everywhere–on the Metro, at work, on the internet. Yet, until DC schools announced their closure on March 13, I was still happily living in denial.
Denial is easier than acceptance, of course. It’s why it’s so challenging for teachers to convince some parents that their child actually has a problem, whether it be a behavioral issue or a learning disorder. I thought I was too smart for denial, too aware of myself and the world around me. Yet, here I was, knee deep into my own denial about COVID.
The past few weeks, then, have been a journey towards acceptance. Accepting where I am in life–with COVID and with other aspects of myself as well. It’s been realizing that sometimes I focus so damn much on the positive that I fail to see the reality sitting right in front of me. It’s been learning to understand that as beneficial as positivity is in life–I’m an optimist for a reason, after all–sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back and take stock of the whole picture. To pay attention to the details, the facts spelling out the nature of our reality. I’ve learned in the past few weeks that positivity should be balanced and well-rounded. A healthy positivity comes from embracing and acknowledging the negative and still choosing to find the light in the world.
Continue reading “Why I Started Wearing a Bra: A COVID-19 Tale”
Since moving at the beginning of May, I’ve felt my overall happiness level increase rapidly. It’s amazing what a space can do.
The month of April was stressful–after declining a housing offer that didn’t feel right on April 2, I spent the next few weeks touring houses and doing a lot of yoga to keep my anxiety at bay. I almost immediately knew my current house was the one when I toured it a week and a half before my lease ended. It took a few days to hear back from the roommates with verification that they had chosen me to join the house, and a few more days to get in contact with the Property Manager. My housing application for my new house was accepted a mere four days before my lease ended. I hired movers before my application was approved to ensure I’d be all ready to move on May 1, which was a bit anxiety inducing. Even though I was pretty sure my application would be accepted, there was still the small seed of doubt–what if my application falls through and I have an expired lease and these movers and no place to move to! Ah, but it all worked out.
No more dark basement! No more unhealthy resentment towards/avoidance of the person I live with!
Admittedly, I was nervous about talking about my reasons for moving during my housing search. True, it wasn’t all the roommate issue. I also really didn’t like the dark basement and craved a space with natural light. When you’re moving into a space with other people, those people can be pretty wary about hearing “roommate issues” as a reason for moving. Roommate issues in one space could easily transfer to roommate issues in another space. Still, I wanted to be honest during tours. Luckily, most people appreciated the honesty and understood that every situation is unique–different people get along differently.
My new house is just that–a whole house–with tons of natural light. I share the space with three others. The dynamic is very relaxed. We’re all friendly with each other, though we all have our own lives. This is exactly what I wanted–after the experience I had in my last space, the last thing I wanted was a pressure to socialize. Yet, I also didn’t want a situation where I felt I had to avoid my roommates. That gets uncomfortable and Continue reading “Cultivating, Cultivating, Cultivating Positive Energy”
It’s been a while since I’ve had a post about me.
My life, what I’m up to, where I’m going.
So as to ensure that this blog doesn’t become defunct, I thought I’d take a moment to write an update about my life.
Back in January, I wrote that I recently discovered my love of teaching. Additionally, I wrote that I was planning to move abroad again before the year’s end.
Today, only one of those statements remains true. I still love teaching. I love it more and more every day. I will not, however, be moving abroad again before this year’s end.
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The last few months have been a whirlwind of growth and change and internal understanding. I’ve come to a lot of understandings about myself. I’ve realized that, during my youth and formative years, I lost sight of myself and my real, true passions. There can be a lot of pain and confusion in navigating the world as a highly sensitive person. As a child, I didn’t have any real understanding for why I cried so easily, why I seemed to be bothered by sounds other peope didn’t notice (I’m acutely sensitive to sound), and why I seemed to get tired so much quicker than my peers. Highly Sensitive wasn’t in my vocabularly and it wasn’t in my parents vocabulary–and because I didn’t know why I was the way I was and also because I wanted to fit in with my peers, I unconsiously managed to lock down that part of me.
I came across the term “highly sensitive person” for the first time in college and instantly recognized many of the traits in myself. However, because I had so severely repressed so much of what it truly means to be HSP, I didn’t understand what that meant for me as a person. It is only within the last few months that I’m starting to Continue reading “What am I Doing With My Life?”
November has been rough.
It’s been an anxiety-ridden month filled with uncertainty and confusion.
On a national scale, I was rocked by the outcome of the U.S. election. I walked around on election day convinced, like much of the rest of America, that we would wake up the next morning to the first female president-elect ever. It was going to be historic and beautiful and I would be joyful.
On a personal level, I’ve been experiencing a massive amount of change as well. I’ve had an exhausting few weeks where I’ve been processing not only the change happening around me–in the wake of the election results and the way people have been reacting to them–but also in accepting that there is a great change happening within me.
I see a lot of parallels between the two that I’m going to attempt to articulate here.
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In the aftermath of the election, I simultaneously realized that not only was the projected outcome of this election grounded so much in expectation, but that I live so much of my life grounded in expectation–and how unhappy that makes me.
Lately, I’ve been frequently reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of mine back when I was in Thailand: “You think too much, and that keeps you from actually doing all the things you want to do,” she told me. It’s a truth I’ve been working on changing this entire year–and one that became increasingly apparent to me throughout the course of this month.
It’s a fine balance for me, thinking and doing. As an intuitive introvert, thinking and processing is how I understand the world around me. I love going out into the world and experiencing it. Too many experiences overwhelm and exhaust me, Continue reading “Where I’m at, Now”
“I think the scariest part of feeling is that more often than not, they don’t appeal to logic.”
Em looked into his eyes with a wry smile on her face. He blushed, quickly looked away, fearing eye contact at the moment when eye contact was most necessary.
They were thinking the same thing, of course. The difference was, he didn’t want to admit it.
Seconds passed. She could tell he was choosing his words carefully.
“So…what are you saying?” Only because he wanted her to say it first; he knew exactly what she Continue reading “Intuition”