What can we make of a year? Of one more Earthen journey around the sun? I suppose it depends–like most things in life, a year is what we make of it. What happens isn’t always up to us, but how we react can define the outcome.
Early on in 2017, I found myself in a few situations that forced me to reevaluate how I perceive myself. When I looked closer, I didn’t like a lot of what I saw. I realized that I was putting my attention in the wrong places, and that was keeping me from focusing completely on myself and my future. In turn, I was unnecessarily anxious and completely out of wack when it came to evaluating my wants and needs in a healthy, productive way.
How did I react?
I stopped drinking coffee cold turkey when I realized that I was drinking 3-4 cups a day and accomplishing nothing because of caffeine-fuled anxiety; I quit my temp job, which left me feeling lifeless and uninspired, and started teaching ESL online; and, I decided that 2017 was going to be “The Good Year.”
Good hasn’t always been easy. It was a lot of hard days, and it was a lot of confusion. Good has meant a lot of growth, though. It meant slow change as I started to experience more good days than hard days on a day-to-day basis.
A lot did happen this year. I did take a much-needed trip to Germany with my family in the summer, where I got to see an old friend who studied at my high school on an exchange program in 2007. I also had quite a few visitors this year–one of my best college friends came to celebrate my birthday with me in early March, and my mom and Grandma came to visit in late March. My grandma had never been to DC before, and I was so happy to show her around my adopted city. My Kindergarten bestie and oldest friend came for a long weekend in October and all three of my immediate family members came to celebrate Thanksgiving with me in my DC apartment–the first Thanksgiving we had together since 2014. I quit two jobs (my temp position in January and my coffee shop position in August) and started three more (VIPKID in February, substitute teaching in September, and a really low time commitment tutoring opportunity in the summer). I am now officially an independent contractor in all three of my jobs, so I’ve learned the joys of removing tax money from paychecks on my own, as well as the frustration of not always getting work. I also moved from my first DC apartment to my current place.
Continue reading “The Good Year Revisited”
who have stolen my heart.
Didn’t they teach you that it’s wrong to take what is not rightfully yours?
— — — — Continue reading “The Road Less Traveled”
“Where is your heart?”
He asked in exasperation. His eyes. Searching hers. Looking for answers that were lost in the dark waters of her abused soul.
This was the ultimate question, she knew.
Where was her heart?
This question…this question should sting in every sense of the word.
But it didn’t…because she knew her heart, wherever it was, could never be restored to what it used to be–filled with so much love. How naive she used to be.
After this year–this year of so much loss and tragedy–Opa, gone…then Sylvie, goddamn, Sylvie Continue reading “Heart Broken”
I remember being in a new place and feeling overwhelmed and homesick and lonely…
…I remember crying in bed because I didn’t know what else to do.
I remember being with you and feeling…so normal…so right.
I remember that locale that felt like a home away from home in a foreign place.
I remember feeling free…and exhilarated…and on top of the world, on top of life.
I remember how I couldn’t stop smiling, until I wasn’t–until tears were splattering down my face. Continue reading “I Remember… (Second Edition)”
“I think the scariest part of feeling is that more often than not, they don’t appeal to logic.”
Em looked into his eyes with a wry smile on her face. He blushed, quickly looked away, fearing eye contact at the moment when eye contact was most necessary.
They were thinking the same thing, of course. The difference was, he didn’t want to admit it.
Seconds passed. She could tell he was choosing his words carefully.
“So…what are you saying?” Only because he wanted her to say it first; he knew exactly what she Continue reading “Intuition”
I’m feeling vulnerable right now.
For a lot of reasons, really. I don’t think I can properly explain it all entirely.
I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m going to tell you about it because I hate pretending I’m okay when I’m not and I think, in general, humans are too apt to cover up less-than-cheerful feelings. I think, in general, humans are too afraid to really feel.
Well, I’m feeling a lot right now and I’m not sure I can articulate all of those feels because their
pretty damn complex, but I’m going to make an effort because I’m a writer and this is how I do.
I’m feeling vulnerable because I spent the last hour of work today wiping counters that didn’t need to be wiped and washing dishes that didn’t need to be washed. I didn’t get a single order Continue reading “Vulnerability”
I have a funny
feeling that my world
is about to be turned
and I don’t know
whether to feel uncertain…
— — — —
My world is changing
preparations must be made Continue reading “Anticipation”
I am quite certain that emotions have a mind of their own.
Two days ago, I was ecstatic. Over the moon. My future is starting to shape up a little bit, and it’s really exciting. To be announced soon. Maybe.
But it’s also incredibly scary. Leaving this place I’ve called home for four years. There is so much familiarity on this campus. I have so many supporters here. I feel so safe here.
Today I feel anxious. I walked out of the social science building today after finishing my last Modern Britain class period of the semester with the realization Continue reading “An Emotional Rollercoaster in a Nutshell”
Sometimes I wonder if this thing I call intuition is nothing more than another self-constructed scheme to keep me from letting go.
I don’t like to think of myself as clingy.
I like to think that I am independent, that I’m perfectly capable of making my Continue reading “Doubt”
I realized the other day that the most important person in my life isn’t actually a part of my life anymore…and that he probably never will be again.
When this first dawned on me, that he really does mean the world to me, I was almost driven to a panic attack. I was terrified because this fact, this undeniable fact, was all wrong. It shouldn’t be like this. I must be crazy. How could someone who I haven’t seen in almost a year, haven’t spoken to in six Continue reading “A Step Forward”