What an existential question for a blog post title, am I right?
I’m in the midst of my peak Saturn Return season. A year ago, even 6 months ago, I would have laughed at the thought of being so open and public about a pseudo scientific astrological event. Like you can’t be serious that Saturn’s placement in the sky is affecting my life here on Earth.
But I feel it, this change happening within me. And you know, maybe it’s just the nature of life–we ebb and we flow, we grow and we change. For me, it makes sense that what I’m feeling is coinciding with my peak Saturn Return Season.
I’m changing. I’m feeling more myself. More sure of myself. I turned 29 this year, and it feels good. It feels like I’m really growing up this year. I mean, legally, I’ve been a grown up for 11 years. But age had nothing to do with maturity. My 20s have been rife with challenges. Loneliness. Insecurity. Lacking a sense of place in the world. Afraid to truly take up space. An emotional immaturity I didn’t recognize in myself as I was hiding behind walls I put up to keep people from truly seeing me.
In the last 2 years, I’ve been able to see those blind spots in myself and work to heal them. They’re by no means all healed. Will they ever be? But I think I’ve made a good dent in them. I rediscovered more of my self worth. I’ve been leaning more into adventure. Flexibility. But also patience. Waiting to see how my adventure will unfold. NOT being so impulsive (something I became very good at with the help of social media and texting). I’ve been working on truly trusting the future. On feeling that surprise when things seem to work out just right with minimal effort on my part.
I’ve been feeling my feelings. Honoring my emotional process.
I don’t know what the future holds. I’m trying to let go of expectations. Those always seem to trip me up in the worst way. I have my intuition and I trust it, but I’ve also learned that life is far more than my intuition. Life is living in the present. Enjoying the moment. Embracing the good moments and the hard moments alike.
Continue reading “Who am I Becoming?”
“I think the scariest part of feeling is that more often than not, they don’t appeal to logic.”
Em looked into his eyes with a wry smile on her face. He blushed, quickly looked away, fearing eye contact at the moment when eye contact was most necessary.
They were thinking the same thing, of course. The difference was, he didn’t want to admit it.
Seconds passed. She could tell he was choosing his words carefully.
“So…what are you saying?” Only because he wanted her to say it first; he knew exactly what she Continue reading “Intuition”
I’ve spent so much of my life afraid.
Afraid of everything–anything that was different, anything outside my comfort zone, new people and ideas.
Perhaps it came from my own social anxiety and perhaps there was something more….but if there’s anything, I’m a pro at being uncomfortable.
I always felt like there was something inherently different about myself. Not in the “you’re special” type of way but more that I didn’t connect with anyone. I still struggle to build meaningful relationships with people today.
I’ve always been exceptionally independent, but for some reason, growing up, I thought that was weird. I thought being an introvert was weird.
I couldn’t accept myself so I looked for someone else to latch on to.
Enter sexually and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend of almost two years.
I had never been in a relationship before and I felt like I needed one more than anything in the world. I had my first kiss at 18, and I was kind of ashamed of that. I desired a reationship in high school and there were some potential suitors. But I was sooooo shy it just never happened.
So, when I saw ex-boyfriend in my orientation group at college in the fall of 2011, I decided to pursue him. He was attractive. Quiet. But I was curious.
I don’t regret my relationship with him. I wouldn’t be the person I am without it. He never meant to hurt me. We recently chatted after graduation and he told he felt terrible for what he Continue reading “What are You Doing in this Room. Right Here. Right Now.”
Back in the day (as in, the early to mid-2000’s), I was a big fan of the book series, A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (pseudonym for American author, Daniel Handler). I remember eagerly awaiting the release of each new book in the series, going to buy them (with my own allowance money, might I add, something I was very proud of) as soon as they were available.
The books were eccentric, but that’s why I liked them. They weren’t like every single other book out there on the market and to my young, pre-teen self, that was refreshing.
So, I read these books around a decade ago and I remember the gist of the plot (three orphaned siblings are schlepped around from one exceptionally strange foster home with some sort of evil villain to the next), but that’s about it. As I was searching through my Pinterest Board the other day, I came to realize that Continue reading “Quotes! Quotes! and More Quotes!”
I realized something important today:
I’m scared for the future.
I don’t know where I’ll be in a year and that’s scary. Continue reading “Uncertain and Afraid (Journal Entry #2)”