What an existential question for a blog post title, am I right?
I’m in the midst of my peak Saturn Return season. A year ago, even 6 months ago, I would have laughed at the thought of being so open and public about a pseudo scientific astrological event. Like you can’t be serious that Saturn’s placement in the sky is affecting my life here on Earth.
But I feel it, this change happening within me. And you know, maybe it’s just the nature of life–we ebb and we flow, we grow and we change. For me, it makes sense that what I’m feeling is coinciding with my peak Saturn Return Season.
I’m changing. I’m feeling more myself. More sure of myself. I turned 29 this year, and it feels good. It feels like I’m really growing up this year. I mean, legally, I’ve been a grown up for 11 years. But age had nothing to do with maturity. My 20s have been rife with challenges. Loneliness. Insecurity. Lacking a sense of place in the world. Afraid to truly take up space. An emotional immaturity I didn’t recognize in myself as I was hiding behind walls I put up to keep people from truly seeing me.
In the last 2 years, I’ve been able to see those blind spots in myself and work to heal them. They’re by no means all healed. Will they ever be? But I think I’ve made a good dent in them. I rediscovered more of my self worth. I’ve been leaning more into adventure. Flexibility. But also patience. Waiting to see how my adventure will unfold. NOT being so impulsive (something I became very good at with the help of social media and texting). I’ve been working on truly trusting the future. On feeling that surprise when things seem to work out just right with minimal effort on my part.
I’ve been feeling my feelings. Honoring my emotional process.
I don’t know what the future holds. I’m trying to let go of expectations. Those always seem to trip me up in the worst way. I have my intuition and I trust it, but I’ve also learned that life is far more than my intuition. Life is living in the present. Enjoying the moment. Embracing the good moments and the hard moments alike.
Continue reading “Who am I Becoming?”
Lately, every time I sit down to write a blog post, nothing makes enough sense to put it into words. Or maybe it all makes perfect sense and I just think too much. I’m not sure.
I always want to be writing, but I have no words; I only recently started to understand that maybe that’s okay.
My life is full of so many emotions and ideas and experiences right now and I understand none of it.
One of the main reasons I use writing–and one of the main reasons I started blogging–is to makes sense of it all. To process and better understand this crazy, complicated, confusing life.
However, I’ve been realizing more and more lately that maybe it doesn’t have to make sense.
Maybe I should just let it happen and see what happens and enjoy the ride.
I’m not done blogging and I’m certainly not done writing.
There is just no room for pondering why right now.
I just want to live instead.
I remember being in a new place and feeling overwhelmed and homesick and lonely…
…I remember crying in bed because I didn’t know what else to do.
I remember being with you and feeling…so normal…so right.
I remember that locale that felt like a home away from home in a foreign place.
I remember feeling free…and exhilarated…and on top of the world, on top of life.
I remember how I couldn’t stop smiling, until I wasn’t–until tears were splattering down my face. Continue reading “I Remember… (Second Edition)”
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you all about how happy I am to be here sharing some coffee with you today.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you about how exhausting this week has been. After my last day at work on Sunday (which went really well, even though it was very bittersweet), I spent Monday and Tuesday finishing up some last minute shopping and packing. Then. Wednesday.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you about my exhausting travel experience that began Wednesday at 12:11 Central Standard Time, when my flight from Minneapolis to Chicago took off. From Chicago, I flew to Hong Kong–where I had an exhausting 11 hour layover. I barely slept at all and I wrote this rather unenthused post. Then. Finally, I boarded the plane for Continue reading “#WeekendCoffeeShare–Thailand, the First Few Days Edition”
If we were having coffee, I’d start off out by telling you that this week has been awesome. Truly awesome. I’m down to a week and a half before I leave the country for an indefinite amount of time and I want to make the most of the time I have left here…and I feel like I’ve definitely been doing that this week.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you about how I visited my college town earlier this week for the first time since I left as a new graduate in May. I’d tell you about how wonderful it was to be back and how I practically started crying when I drove up to campus and greeted my friends on the campus mall. There were tears and they were of the best kind. I was so happy to be back. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed campus until I was all the sudden there again. It was so wonderful to spend time with some of my dearest friends and I loved getting to see a bunch of people whom I hadn’t seen in ages. I also ran into my former history adviser and one of my favorite professors on campus, which was wonderful (hm…I’m using the word wonderful a lot in this paragraph. But this visit was so wonderful that my usual attention to variations in word choice while writing is failing me…and I don’t even know how else to describe it). I’m so unbelievably glad I got to go back before I leave for Thailand. This place means so much to me and, given my current sense of wanderlust, adventure, and a general need not be living in Minnesota for at least the time being, it’s quite possible that I wont be back again for…well, years. Seeing so many people that I know I wont get to see for ages and ages now that I’m Continue reading “#WeekendCoffeeShare–Back to College (for a Day), Friends Time, and Thailand is Getting Closer!”
I’m feeling vulnerable right now.
For a lot of reasons, really. I don’t think I can properly explain it all entirely.
I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m going to tell you about it because I hate pretending I’m okay when I’m not and I think, in general, humans are too apt to cover up less-than-cheerful feelings. I think, in general, humans are too afraid to really feel.
Well, I’m feeling a lot right now and I’m not sure I can articulate all of those feels because their
pretty damn complex, but I’m going to make an effort because I’m a writer and this is how I do.
I’m feeling vulnerable because I spent the last hour of work today wiping counters that didn’t need to be wiped and washing dishes that didn’t need to be washed. I didn’t get a single order Continue reading “Vulnerability”
I have a funny
feeling that my world
is about to be turned
and I don’t know
whether to feel uncertain…
— — — —
My world is changing
preparations must be made Continue reading “Anticipation”
This post is inspired by a similar post by Sabina over at Victim to Charm.
I was unbelievably struck by the poignancy of her words as she recounted memories of her own in short but beautiful snippets. I fell in love with the idea and wanted to try a hand at it myself. I soon realized that the seemingly simple action of writing down memories (which is, of course, not as simple as it sounds) is an excellent writing exercise.
I was amazed at the memories that came back to me when I really put my mind to it. I soon had pages and pages of notebook pages filled. I’m currently traveling right now, so this was not only an excellent writing exercise, but a pretty good way to pass the time in the car, too.
A memory is so much more than a moment in time. Some memories define a person and others are simply snippets of color on this canvas that is life…they combine to tell a unique and personal story. Here are some of mine, snippets Continue reading “I Remember…”
Last night, drunk, emotional Britta cried for what felt like ages–it was probably an hour or so–while her friends sat with her drunkingly giving her pep talks about life.
They were tears of joy, happiness, sadness, anger. I don’t remember the last time I cried that hard for that long. I certainly don’t think I’ve ever experienced so many different emotions while crying.
And my friends were with me the whole time, basically telling me how awesome I Continue reading “This is a Sappy, Emotional Post about College Friendships”
I am quite certain that emotions have a mind of their own.
Two days ago, I was ecstatic. Over the moon. My future is starting to shape up a little bit, and it’s really exciting. To be announced soon. Maybe.
But it’s also incredibly scary. Leaving this place I’ve called home for four years. There is so much familiarity on this campus. I have so many supporters here. I feel so safe here.
Today I feel anxious. I walked out of the social science building today after finishing my last Modern Britain class period of the semester with the realization Continue reading “An Emotional Rollercoaster in a Nutshell”