What are You Doing in this Room. Right Here. Right Now.

I’ve spent so much of my life afraid.

Afraid of everything–anything that was different, anything outside my comfort zone, new people and ideas.

Perhaps it came from my own social anxiety and perhaps there was something more….but if there’s anything, I’m a pro at being uncomfortable.

I always felt like there was something inherently different about myself. Not in the “you’re special” type of way but more that I didn’t connect with anyone. I still struggle to build meaningful relationships with people today.

I’ve always been exceptionally independent, but for some reason, growing up, I thought that was weird. I thought being an introvert was weird.

I couldn’t accept myself so I looked for someone else to latch on to.

Enter sexually and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend of almost two years.

I had never been in a relationship before and I felt like I needed one more than anything in the world. I had my first kiss at 18, and I was kind of ashamed of that. I desired a reationship in high school and there were some potential suitors. But I was sooooo shy it just never happened.

So, when I saw ex-boyfriend in my orientation group at college in the fall of 2011, I decided to pursue him. He was attractive. Quiet. But I was curious.

I don’t regret my relationship with him. I wouldn’t be the person I am without it. He never meant to hurt me. We recently chatted after graduation and he told he felt terrible for what he Continue reading “What are You Doing in this Room. Right Here. Right Now.”