If we were having coffee, I’d start off by saying IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU (really slowly and overly enthusiastically, too, because I’ve been Teacher Britta for the past two days and Teacher Britta talks really slowly and really enthusiastically….and really loudly).
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you all about how this has undoubtedly been the longest and most rewarding week of my life.
Thailand. Teaching English. This is where I need to be. What I need to be doing. And I’m SOO glad this is my life.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you about language camp. And preparing for language camp. As part of my TESOL course, all the teachers must participate in a two day language camp where we teach to actual Thai students for the FIRST TIME EVER. We were put into groups of two or three and while one of us teaches, the other one or two of us observes and lends a hand if necessary.
Afraid of everything–anything that was different, anything outside my comfort zone, new people and ideas.
Perhaps it came from my own social anxiety and perhaps there was something more….but if there’s anything, I’m a pro at being uncomfortable.
I always felt like there was something inherently different about myself. Not in the “you’re special” type of way but more that I didn’t connect with anyone. I still struggle to build meaningful relationships with people today.
I’ve always been exceptionally independent, but for some reason, growing up, I thought that was weird. I thought being an introvert was weird.
I couldn’t accept myself so I looked for someone else to latch on to.
Enter sexually and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend of almost two years.
I had never been in a relationship before and I felt like I needed one more than anything in the world. I had my first kiss at 18, and I was kind of ashamed of that. I desired a reationship in high school and there were some potential suitors. But I was sooooo shy it just never happened.
So, when I saw ex-boyfriend in my orientation group at college in the fall of 2011, I decided to pursue him. He was attractive. Quiet. But I was curious.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you all about how happy I am to be here sharing some coffee with you today.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you about how exhausting this week has been. After my last day at work on Sunday (which went really well, even though it was very bittersweet), I spent Monday and Tuesday finishing up some last minute shopping and packing. Then. Wednesday.
(Does it really count to say I’m spending half a day here if I’m actually not leaving the airport? It’s late night here, so there’s not a whole lot to see at the moment besides a few sleeping and low activity passengers around me).
This is just me reaffirming what I already know–September is here and that means Thailand is happening soon.
I have three weeks to get my shit together and prepare for this wild and crazy adventure of mine.
I am so excited to explore this [what I’ve heard is] beautiful country. I am so excited to ACTUALLY USE MY ENGLISH DEGREE [something I thought I’d never actually do in an actual job] while exploring the field of education in a classroom setting. I’m excited to learn and grow and further become that person I’m striving to be. I’m excited to get outside my comfort zone…but I’m also scared. And oh boy, am I not prepared. But as much as I buy and as much as I pack…I don’t think I’ll ever truly be prepared. This is just something I gotta do. Dive into head first without looking back.
Scare yourself. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. You just might will thank yourself later.
Commencement occurred in a perfect sliver of time on Saturday. Seriously. The sun was bright, the sky was clear. It was cool, but not cold (though I was still very warm underneath my black gown). Within a half hour after the ceremony finished, the clouds started rolling in. It’s been raining pretty much non-stop ever since. We got so lucky with the gorgeous weather and I’m SO thankful I was able to graduate outside on my beautiful college campus on the prairie.
— — —
Being a college graduate is a funny thing. Well, to be more accurate, this period of transition is a funny thing. Leaving campus today was extremely bittersweet. As I was driving away, part of me wanted to turn around and speed back to the place I’ve called home for four years.
The other part of me, however, knew that I couldn’t do that. It’s time to move on. It’s time to experience more of the world, to learn and grow outside of a university setting.
What’s next for me, then, you might be wondering.
Well, first, home. I’m sitting on my childhood bed at home right now typing this post up. I haven’t been home since early January and here I am. Writing on my childhood bed.