I have a confession to make:
What a way to start of the new year, right?
But this is a good thing. I promise!
I’m not physically lost. I know exactly were I am. I could point it out exactly on a map. As I write this (being the dutiful blogger that I am and getting this done ahead of time), I’m currently physically sitting in my apartment in Central Thailand. By the time this post goes live, I’ll be sitting on a beach somewhere down south, perhaps a little hungover from a too exciting New Years Eve.
So no, I’m not physically lost. Rather, I feel mentally lost…
A ‘who am I and what do I aim to do with my life and I really have no fucking clue how to navigate this world that I’m in’ lost.
I’m feeling rather calm about the whole ordeal. No need to freak out here. Just accepting these feelings as they come, ya know?
— — — —
The past few months have been a whirlwind for me. I’ve had very little time to process everything that has happened. Now, finally, I feel like I’m settling into my town. I feel comfortable here. I know where things are; though the language barrier is continuing to be difficult, I’m picking up on more Thai and trying my best to utilize that in conversation. After spending the last couple months here drawing inward and trying to make sense of my place here, I’m finally eager to go out and meet and develop relationships with Thai people.
I’m so happy to be here and can’t imagine living anywhere else right now. Though there are certain aspects of home that I miss, I don’t crave them. I don’t desire to have them in my life.
Thailand is where I need to be right now. This I know with confidence.
Thailand is the place where I’m choosing to figure myself out. While I learned so much about myself in college, I’m realizing here and now that I have so much farther to go. Sooo much farther.
And you know what? That’s okay.
I’m so young.
I mean, okay, if this were fourteenth century Europe, I’d be practically middle aged by now but, I digress, this is not fourteenth century Europe. This is 2016 and life expectdencies are much higher these days.
I’m so young.
In many ways, I view myself as a very mature young adult. In the last few years, I’ve pushed myself in a lot of ways and I’ve discovered a lot of things about myself and about people in general and I think I have a lot of good things figured out. Things that will only continue to help me as life goes on.
But…I’ve been discovering lately that, for all that I have figured out, there’s a hell of a lot more that I have to learn. There are so many more ways that I need to and want to push myself.
I came to Thailand because I wanted to teach, yes, and because I wanted to live abroad. But I also came to Thailand to push myself. And, in many ways, I have been pushing myself. But there is so much more out there that I don’t know, that my anxiety has been keeping me from, that I know I can strive for if I try.
Maybe not all right now–because this life thing is damn hard and I find that, while sometimes it’s useful to dive in head first, other times it’s better to take things one step at time. I dove in head first with coming to Thailand–and now, now I need to take some time to figure things out slowly. To really take things one step at a time.
I really do love it here. I love the people. I love the culture. I love all there is to see and do. But…I still feel lost.
But really now–is feeling lost the worst thing in the world? I have a roof over my head, a job that makes me happy, and amazing friends and family both here in Thailand and back home.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to have a plan, to make things happen, to have life figured out…
…and I’ve discovered in the past year how much I hate that.
Life isn’t about who wins the race first. It’s about living and breathing and being here in this world.
I can’t tell you where I’ll be in a year. Right now, I think I’ll still be in Thailand and I’m planning to still be in Thailand–but who knows where life will take me next. Who knows what opportunities will present themselves.
I feel lost and I’m okay with that…because I’m twenty-two years old and frankly, anybody who says I have to have my life figured out by now is full of crap.
I think, to an extent, being lost is a good thing. It means there’s more of life to figure out, more journeys and adventures to take. I still have a lot to figure out about this life and about myself and I can’t think of a better place in the world to be than Thailand to continue on this journey.
So, I’m a bit lost in this life. I don’t know where I’m going after Thailand…but why should I? At this point, I love where I live, I love my job, and I have no plans of leaving in the immediate future.
I may not find everything that I’m looking for in Thailand (hell, what am I even looking for?) but I do know that I will live fully here. I will strive to be my best self. And good things will come from that. Because I’m determined, dammit.
Not all who wander are lost…but some are. And maybe, just maybe, not all who are lost are looking to be found. Maybe…maybe, they are just looking to live. I want to push myself here in Thailand. I want to figure out how to navigate this world better and to feel more comfortable and confident in it. And I know I will–because, as I said above, I’m determined, dammit!
Will it happen tomorrow? hell no. Will I have everything figured out by the time I leave Thailand? Unlikely. But this is a process that will yield so many rewards for me personally.
So, as the New Year begins–as we welcome 2016 to the table–I can say with certainty that this year is going to be a lot. 2015 was easily the best year of my life so far…and so much more is coming in 2016. Room for new opportunities to learn and grow, to push myself. I can’t say with certainty if 2016 will be just as amazing as 2015–but I have a feeling that, with the right outlook and attitude, it will be that and so much more.
It’s the New Year. I’m lost. And I’m okay with that. With that…here’s to new adventure and new life and new growth in 2016.