I’m feeling vulnerable right now.
For a lot of reasons, really. I don’t think I can properly explain it all entirely.
I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m going to tell you about it because I hate pretending I’m okay when I’m not and I think, in general, humans are too apt to cover up less-than-cheerful feelings. I think, in general, humans are too afraid to really feel.
Well, I’m feeling a lot right now and I’m not sure I can articulate all of those feels because their
pretty damn complex, but I’m going to make an effort because I’m a writer and this is how I do.
I’m feeling vulnerable because I spent the last hour of work today wiping counters that didn’t need to be wiped and washing dishes that didn’t need to be washed. I didn’t get a single order for that entire last hour and I was getting bored trying to figure out what I could be doing…which was nothing, because I spent the previous seven hours doing everything. I’m feeling vulnerable because I was doing nothing but thinking too much and feeling too much and expecting too much…and desiring too much. And together, all those feelings started to make me feel a little melancholy. The confidence I was feeling at the beginning of the day about myself and about life in general went down the drain because, while I was aimlessly cleaning things that didn’t need to be cleaned just so I could be doing something, just so I didn’t have to be standing there twiddling my thumbs, I started to spend way too much time in my head. And spending too much time in my head is never a good thing.
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I’m feeling vulnerable because I’ve spent the last week introverting hard core and that was great…but now I’m all ready to go to a noisy bar and get a little wasted and dance a little crazy and feel a little shitty tomorrow morning. But that’s easier said than done when your college friends aren’t a text message away from showing up at your door because you’re not in college anymore and your college friends, although you can text them to your hearts content, can’t be at your door in five minutes or less because they live too far away from you to do that now.
Going to a noisy bar by myself just wont cut it.
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Speaking of college, I’m feeling vulnerable because I’m seeing all my friends who are still in college getting ready for the new school year. They are already at school and I’m seeing their Facebook pictures from at school and damn, I’m missing it. Part of me wishes I was still there because…well, because it’s safe and it’s comfortable and it’s what I know and it’s people who I trust and in this life where I don’t know where I’ll be in one year, even in six months, it’s a place that will always feel like home, even though I know I don’t want it to be home forever…even though I don’t want it to be home now.
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I’m feeling vulnerable because I’m human and this life is so incredibly beautiful and inspiring, but it’s also unpredictable and scary and emotional. And sometimes those emotions are exhilarating, but sometimes they’re daunting and stressful.
You know what, though? Perhaps my vulnerability isn’t a bad thing at all.
Perhaps my vulnerability will lead me to bigger and better things.
Perhaps my vulnerability will inspire me to soar.
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It is through vulnerability that we are reminded of what matters most. It kicks us down a notch only to push us forward. And I think we all need that every now and then.