I’m feeling vulnerable right now.
For a lot of reasons, really. I don’t think I can properly explain it all entirely.
I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m going to tell you about it because I hate pretending I’m okay when I’m not and I think, in general, humans are too apt to cover up less-than-cheerful feelings. I think, in general, humans are too afraid to really feel.
Well, I’m feeling a lot right now and I’m not sure I can articulate all of those feels because their
pretty damn complex, but I’m going to make an effort because I’m a writer and this is how I do.
I’m feeling vulnerable because I spent the last hour of work today wiping counters that didn’t need to be wiped and washing dishes that didn’t need to be washed. I didn’t get a single order for that entire last hour and I was getting bored trying to figure out what I could be doing…which was nothing, because I spent the previous seven hours doing everything. I’m feeling vulnerable because I was doing nothing but thinking too much and feeling too much and expecting too much…and desiring too much. And together, all those feelings started to make me feel a little melancholy. The confidence I was feeling at the beginning of the day about myself and about life in general went down the drain because, while I was aimlessly cleaning things that didn’t need to be cleaned just so I could be doing something, just so I didn’t have to be standing there twiddling my thumbs, I started to spend way too much time in my head. And spending too much time in my head is never a good thing.
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I’m feeling vulnerable because I’ve spent the last week introverting hard core and that was great…but now I’m all ready to go to a noisy bar and get a little wasted and dance a little crazy and feel a little shitty tomorrow morning. But that’s easier said than done when your college friends aren’t a text message away from showing up at your door because you’re not in college anymore and your college friends, although you can text them to your hearts content, can’t be at your door in five minutes or less because they live too far away from you to do that now.
Going to a noisy bar by myself just wont cut it.
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Speaking of college, I’m feeling vulnerable because I’m seeing all my friends who are still in college getting ready for the new school year. They are already at school and I’m seeing their Facebook pictures from at school and damn, I’m missing it. Part of me wishes I was still there because…well, because it’s safe and it’s comfortable and it’s what I know and it’s people who I trust and in this life where I don’t know where I’ll be in one year, even in six months, it’s a place that will always feel like home, even though I know I don’t want it to be home forever…even though I don’t want it to be home now.
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I’m feeling vulnerable because I’m human and this life is so incredibly beautiful and inspiring, but it’s also unpredictable and scary and emotional. And sometimes those emotions are exhilarating, but sometimes they’re daunting and stressful.
You know what, though? Perhaps my vulnerability isn’t a bad thing at all.
Perhaps my vulnerability will lead me to bigger and better things.
Perhaps my vulnerability will inspire me to soar.
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It is through vulnerability that we are reminded of what matters most. It kicks us down a notch only to push us forward. And I think we all need that every now and then.
It's a Britta Bottle! 
Loved reading your post:) thank you for sharing, I think we all feel like that every now and then, change is never easy, a new step in life might be exciting at the beginning but gets really scary after…remembering where we once felt safe it’s good because it reminds us that we can feel like that again, we just need to find our own little heaven in the big world!
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Thank you so much, Julia. Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
Yes, I do think this is a universal feeling, really. The thing is, it’s so easy to forget that when we get stuck in our own heads and thing too much about it. New steps are always scary though and I am a little scared to go to Thailand…but I also know this is something I have to do with my life right now and that it’s going to be an amazing experience!
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I think what you are feeling is completely normal. You are an amazing woman and inspire so many! xo
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Yup, I think so too. We all feel like this sometimes. It’s easy to forget how universal it is, though, in the moment. Thank you so much, Michelle. You are too kind. 🙂
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You’re most welcome.
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You will often have bouts of vulnerability as you catapult yourself out of your comfort zone and into the amazing future that awaits. But you have a good way of looking at it and managing it. You’ll be more than fine. You’ll be awesome.
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I know that and it’s unsettling, but it’s also a good thing. Feeling scared and apprehensive is only natural when taking a big step like I am. It is exciting, though. And I hope I’m amazing. Thank you so much, Lisa. 🙂
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I am learning that being vulnerable is okay. I have noticed that once I am being vulnerable, I get more confident. I always used to run away from being vulnerable because it was just too scary, but I’m learning to grab it by the horns and run with it and go for it. And honestly, I am so excited about it.
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I learn the most in the moments when I allow myself to be vulnerable. It is exciting.
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When I left for college part of me was sad about all the people going to UOregon…that would’ve been so easy and so familiar and yet, ultimately not what I wanted to be doing. It’s absolutely okay to be feeling vulnerable, especially in your transition time between the totally familiar setting of school and the completely foreign setting of Thailand. Best wishes, my dear.
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Yes, yes! I’m terrified to be leaving for Thailand in under a month, yet I also know I have to do this, that I would be so unhappy if I didn’t.
I’m okay with being vulnerable if I know I’ll learn something from it, and this is just that kind of vulnerable.
Thanks, Sabina.
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Being vulnerable means we are human, that we are alive and feeling every single molecule coursing through our blood stream. It is perfectly fine to be vulnerable and sometimes twiddling your fingers can be good too you know. Taking this trip to Thailand is such a huge leap of faith, a jump out of your comfort zone that I’m sure would leave anyone vulnerable too. Keep up the faith and courage my friend. 🙂
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Exactly! Everyone experiences feelings of vulnerability ever now and then and I just wish people were more willing to talk about them. It can be so isolating just because we are afraid to talk!
Thanks so much, Belle. I am trying my best. 🙂
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You go girl! 🙂
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