February 21, 2015, Late Evening

I’m feeling anxious right now and I don’t know why. 

I’ve been feeling anxious most of the day.

I did yoga. It helped.

I blogged. It, too, helped.

But I’m still anxious. My chest is burning from this anxiety. 

It’s not an entirely hopeless anxious. I have so much to be excited for, really, and I am excited. Yet, I’m still anxious and this burning is uncomfortable and I don’t want to go to bed feeling this way

Maybe its because I know my world is changing. It is changing as I write this. I am not the same person I was last year, six months ago, even last week. I an constantly changing, and it’s beautiful, wonderful, amazing. 

But there’s also something scary about it. Change is scary. Change is happening around me, as I prepare to graduate in May, but it is also happening within me.

This change is so good.

I know it is.

I’m trying to become the person I’ve always wanted to be, a person in charge of her own happiness, her own destiny, a person who doesn’t let fear get in the way of her own desires.

I have been feeling extremely introverted lately. As an introvert, I tend to spend a lot of time by myself as it is. But lately, I’ve been introverting to the extreme–so much so that I’ve been struggling to maintain regular conversations–more so than usual, at least.

I’ve been introverting so much and I think its because I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I’m perfectly comfortable being an introvert. I’m perfectly comfortable in my own skin. I don’t need to feel like I always need to be with people even when I don’t want to be because I have reached a high point of self-confidence within myself that I’ve never experienced before. 

I believe in me like I never have before.

That being said, as good as these new developments are, change is still scary and I still have anxiety. 

I think you can welcome different, welcome change, and still feel apprehensive about it. I think true confidence is always shadowed by a small circle of doubt. But it’s a good kind of doubt. If that’s possible. A doubt that only makes one want to push harder, a doubt that inspires success. 

Doubt makes us human and I think it is a positive thing in small doses, a positive thing as a small shadow of confidence.

I think that’s where I am now.

I’m scared.

But I’m not going to let that stop me from chasing my dreams. 

Some of my journal entries are so embarrassing they’ll never see the light of day. This is not one of them.

7 Replies to “February 21, 2015, Late Evening

  1. I want you to remember this, Britta – in the face of change and possibility, the one constant is *you*. Yes, you’ll experiences things new and be exposed to life in a way you might not have ever imagined, but the vessel is constant. You, your aspirations, your experience, your perceptions, your introversion and thoughts and fears, they’re all bundled up in you. You’re the vessel. You’ll change and amalgamate and grow but no matter what happens to or around you, your core is who you are.


    1. Oh, thank you so much for your kind and wise words. Eli. I wrote this six months ago and even though I still resonate a lot with these words, I also view the world a bit differently now than I did in February. That said, you are absolutely right. I think people do change and that, a lot of times, that change is associated with learning and growth within themselves. At the same time, no matter how much is changing within you and around you, you are still you and nothing will change that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It took me a minute to click that it’s not February… How beautiful that you can look back on this and be proud. Reflection is a beautiful thing, thanks for sharing 🙂


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