Oh, You Just Made Me Feel a Bit Violated…

Do you want to go have sex in the bathroom?

Said the guy not two minutes after he asked to dance with me.

“Nah.”

I had nothing else to say to him on the matter. It wasn’t going to happen. Bathroom sex (we’re talking about public bathroom sex, mind you) isn’t exactly at the top of my bucket list. Well, actually, it’s not on my bucket list at all. Quite frankly, it sounds a bit raunchy to me. Plus, I’m not really one for hook ups. But that’s just me.

“Uh…okay, well it’s okay. We can still dance together.”

Until it wasn’t…approximately one minute later.

“Never mind, I don’t want to dance with you anymore.”

— — — —

To…the guy:

We live in a society where forward questions like this directed at perfect strangers have become…the norm? Damn, I hope not!

I mean, is it just me, or is there something wrong with even the idea of that?

I’m sure you’d never be so brash sober. Or would you? Doesn’t that bother you?

So, I’m a reasonably attractive young woman who was dancing at a bar. Maybe I looked sexy? I don’t know. I was in a hurry when I left the house and put on the first decent outfit I could find in my closet.

But still.

The first thing I felt at the end of our conversation was, well, violated.

So, you’re probably in college; maybe you’re eighteen or nineteen, got in with a fake I.D. You probably have these raging hormones and thought, what better place than a college bar to let off some steam, to [try to] get some? You have a penis and I have a vagina. What have you.

But. Oh, hey…I’m actually more than my vagina (go figure!). I’m a person and well, personally, I’d preferred if you would have gotten to know me a bit before whipping out the big question. The “do you wanna go have sex in the bathroom?” question. Would a half an hour of dancing killed ya? Perhaps, if you really wanted to make an impression before trying to get in my pants, you could have offered to buy me a drink…maybe ask me a bit about myself?

For the record, I still would have said no. Personally, a half hour isn’t enough time either…hook ups really aren’t my thing, remember? But, I guess, it’s the thought that counts…or would have, if you would have taken that extra half hour between the initial question and the big question…

Think about it.

— — — —

Really, though, the fact that you didn’t even bother to stick around after I gave you my answer to the big question says more than the question itself. I was just a vagina to you. A vagina with closed legs.

Clearly, I didn’t miss out on much.


I initially wasn’t going to write a post up about this occurrence; even though it was a bit bothersome (and makes for an interesting, albeit kind of uncomfortable story), I didn’t want to waste my time writing about a stupid guy whom I’ll never see again.

After having lunch with a good friend recently, I changed my mind. I told her this story and we had a long conversation about it and what it says about society in general. I realized this isn’t just about a stupid guy. It goes way beyond that. It has social implications that say so much about our cultural perceptions of gender and how we, as a society, use those perceptions and take advantage of them–i.e. as a young female dancing in a crowded bar, one can automatically assume that I’m looking for attention and, more importantly, sex…or, as a young female dancing in a crowded bar, one can automatically assume that I’m intoxicated enough to be taken advantage of. Of course, this could happen to a male in a similar situation, too. It goes both ways. This is just my experience and, generally speaking, females are more likely to encounter situations like this as the quote-on-quote “weaker sex.”** Regardless, this very much bothers me–hence, why I ultimately decided to write this post. Going along with the nature of my blog, I chose to take a creative approach in discussing it; I generally find that personal stories are more effective at relaying a point rather than simply stating facts or spewing opinions left and right, so this is the result. 


**I don’t have one specific source to point this phrase to because I’ve come across it so often in literature, etc. That said, although a bit of an outdated expression in the present, this ideal of women as the weaker sex is still firmly rooted in much of our societal perceptions of gender.

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39 Replies to “Oh, You Just Made Me Feel a Bit Violated…”

  1. Love this post. I actually have a female friend who’s into hook ups and one night stands. Sometimes she likes to talk about it and I think it’s kind of tacky, especially because the guys she choose are…losers. Personally, I find it kind of annoying that sex fills up a great chunk of people’s minds. We have no meaningful conversations anymore. There are no fun debates. We can’t have good ol’ 90s style fun, because “fun” nowadays usually implies hooking up. And guys objectifies us because women have allowed them to do so. You refused this guy’s sexual advance, but I’m sure someone else accepted. Respect starts with us. And many women don’t respect themselves enough to say no.

    It’s a shame that our society has come down to this. Don’t get me wrong, there are decent guys out there, but they’re one in a million.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, hook ups definitely aren’t my thing. They seem kind of trashy to me, too. Sex is way too personal for me to just have it with a random stranger. That said, I know some people who are really into them. I think if it’s consensual and no one’s getting hurt, that’s fine for them. I’ll respect their decision to take part in hook up culture just as I would hope they’d respect my decision to not be a part of it. People are going to be thinking about sex regardless and I think sex is a healthy and natural part of life. That said, when people start to abuse sex and try to take advantage of others for their own self-interest…now, that’s when I have a problem.
      And yes, it is a shame that more women don’t have the self respect to say no to things like this. I’m sure he did find someone–if not that night, some other night. As I said in the post, I did feel violated at first…until I remembered that at least I have some dignity and respect for myself, which I know certainly isn’t true for all young women out there.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Sex should be a sacred thing. It should be personal and not taken for granted. Our culture has made one-night stands the norm. It’s a shame, really, that more people don’t find meaning in one of the most sacred, and ancient, acts of mankind.

        I respect these people’s decision to partake in the hookup culture, but I have a problem when they brag about it. It’s as if they’re saying, “At least I’m getting some.” Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but one’s sex life should remain private.

        Like

      2. Honestly, I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t exactly support the hookup culture.

        Like

  2. I’m with you on this one. It’s icky. I do, however, see a positive in this whole f***ed up scenario… at least he asked, and when he realized he wasn’t going to get his “needs” met, he had the [cough cough] “decency” to walk away. But yeah, what has our world come to?

    Like

    1. Absolutely. I do give him that. He could have kept trying to pressure me–either verbally or physically–so yes, it was “decent” of him to walk away, I guess.
      Still an unpleasant experience, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing, Britta. I’m glad you did. It has always been like that somehow for some men, and it’s up to us women to stand up for ourselves and demand respect. Because men like that won’t.
    You’re right that it sadly happens both ways.
    I’m sorry it happened to you. But you once more showed your maturity and self confidence.

    Like

    1. Exactly. As I said in my post, I did feel violated at first, but then I realized how awesome it was for me to stick up for myself like that. At least I have the dignity and respect for myself to say no when I don’t want something like that.
      Thank you, Lucile. I’m glad you enjoyed this post…and I’m so glad I wrote it now. Writing it all out definitely made me feel better about the situation.

      Like

  4. Thanks for sharing Britta. Such an appealing invitation: sex with a stranger in a public bathroom. So romantic! Good on you for recognising that you are worth so much more than that. Don’t feel bad – the problem is his, don’t make it yours.

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    1. Exactly what I was thinking…how much more romantic can you get? 🙂
      Thank you. Oh, I don’t feel bad at all. I wrote this post more out of frustration than anything that things like this happen. I did not lose any sleep whatsoever over turning him down.
      I’m glad you enjoyed this post.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Call me old fashioned and conservative but I am glad you flat out refused. These things happening here in America are what is eroding today’s youth and their values. It is so sad and scary at the same time. I know that sex to some people is simply a physical act and not a big deal but if abused, will lead to many consequences, mostly negative ones at that.

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    1. Oh believe me, I had no plans to do anything but flat out refuse. I thought it was unbelievably rude of him to be so forward and I’m really not about that life. I wish more people would realize the negative consequences of abusing sex. I’ve been there and it’s not a good feeling at all.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Belle. I am, too. It was gratifying to know that, even though I did feel a bit violated, I had the dignity and respect for myself to say no to something I really wasn’t comfortable with. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. This was such a great post Britta. That offer sounded downright crass and totally not worth it. Glad you refused! You go girl! 🙂

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    1. Thanks Adi! glad you enjoyed this post. It was super crass and, I thought, super rude. At least he didn’t try to pressure me more or anything–I can give him that. Still, though, it was really gross!

      Like

  7. This is important to share & talk about! I don’t think it’s wrong to ask someone if they’d like to hook up, but I agree with you that it would’ve been MUCH more appropriate to buy them a drink or dance with them longer before being so explicit. In a way, I guess it’s good that your interaction was short–neither of you lost too much time on the other.

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    1. Oh, absolutely. Even though I’m really not interested in hook ups, I don’t think it’s a problem that other people are. I wouldn’t have minded so much if he would have waited a bit. Hook ups do happen, after all. I just thought it was rude and uncomfortable for him to be so forward so early on. Also, it would have been a little less off putting if he would have suggested some where other than the public bathroom. That doesn’t even sound comfortable to me!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. It absolutely sickens me how this is how our society is! What happened to gentleman and the “good guys” out there? I know they ARE out there, but it is very rare. Guys would rather think with their “little head” more so than their “big head”.

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    1. Yes, it is gross. In many ways we have come so far in accepting and encouraging equal opportunity for men and women,..at the same time, the fact that these things are still happening shows that we still have a long way to go. Some guys are just assholes and hopefully karma will bite them in the butt sooner than later!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow… I am so sorry that this happened to you but I also think that it is fantastic that you were comfortable and willing to share the story. I think it happens way too frequently and often times to college girls that unfortunately fall into the trap more times than we can count. I think it is gross that men/boys think that it is okay to “take advantage” of girls in such a way and I think it takes girls like you to stand up to them to show that we are much more than just an object… Take some time to get to know us, take us on a date, show that you care then maybe… just maybe.

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    1. Absolutely. I’ve been objectified before (in a long-term relationship) and it is NOT fun. If there’s anything I learned from that, it’s that I’m my own person and I’m never going to let anyone take advantage of me again. I’m so glad you enjoyed this post and took something positive away from it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. It’s a reflection on our society. Older people behave this boorishly too. In a time when we swipe left and swipe right and peruse dating sites like a candy store, the idea of an actual connection has gone by the wayside. We’re not willing to have a brief conversation with someone new and leave it with contact info and mutual smiles, with anything possible.

    No, it’s been reduced to, “will you?” if you won’t, I’m on to the next. I’m not so sure this bloke found his scored that night or any night, but if it works even once, he’ll probably stick to the plan for the next 10 years.

    It’s like someone throwing out their Rolex with their tray of trash at McDonald’s, really. For a guy to approach you and not engage in conversation with you, well, he’s missing out on a pretty incredible part of your body, Britta: Your mind.

    Like

    1. I actually discussed this whole idea of “swipe left/swipe right” in the same conversation that this story came up in with the friend I mentioned in this post. I don’t have a Tinder or a OKCupid because I just think the whole concept of “swipe left/swipe right” is so wrong. There’s more to us than our Tinder profiles. I find it quite degrading, actually.
      Thank you for your wise words. Eli. You really hit a lot of the problems I have with the way our society views relationships and sex on the nail.

      Liked by 1 person

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