Balance

2014 was a year of learning and growth.

It was a year where everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me were thrown out the window.

If we begin at the beginning, 2014 did not start out well for me.

My first five months of 2014 were clouded in darkness; I have never been more terrified or more uncertain of everything about this life than in those five months.

I was scared. I was vulnerable. I was lost.

But beginnings are nothing more than a place to start. Beginnings can be beautiful or, in my case, they can be dark. They do not, however, account for the whole story.

And really, my darkness, as terrible as it was, did so much for me in the long run. I learned so much and I am so much stronger now. My darkness is only part of my 2014 story; yes, it truly is a very important part of my story, but it does not define that story.

Because of that darkness, I have a better hold on my anxiety and I have a better understanding of who I want to to be and the life I want to live. 

Because of that darkness, I am a better person today.

I do not believe I would be the person I am today without those five months of darkness. Out of that darkness came so much light. I am so thankful for that.

2014 was more than learning from my anxiety, though. It was accepting my anxiety and doing all that I can to keep it at bay. It was learning from experience. It was living on my own. It was Washington D.C. It was meeting new people and trying new things. It was falling in love. It was recognizing that, if I really, truly loved them, I could let them go. It was joining WordPress and learning so much from the WordPress community. It was blogging to grow. It was confronting my demons and becoming stronger. It was becoming okay with uncertainty. It was accepting that it is uncertainty itself that allows for adventure…and what is life without adventure?

2014 was not an easy year. It was so rewarding, though. For that, I am thankful.

What’s in store for 2015, then? Well, I don’t know. That’s part of the adventure, right?

I’m going to strive for balance, though. Balance is what I want to focus on in 2015. 2014 was a year of learning and growth. 2015 will be a year of taking all that I have learned and implementing it to find a balanced and healthy life. That’s not to say I’m done learning, of course. I don’t think I’ll ever be done with that. I have learned so much in 2014, though. It has been such a life changing year. Now, it’s time to put what I’ve learned into practice.

If I’ve taken away anything from what I’ve learned, it’s that balance is what I need right now. Balance in all aspects of life; in managing my time, in taking time for myself and taking time with others, in appreciating everything this life offers. Finding a happy and healthy medium between doing too much–which leads to stress–and not doing enough–which leads to anxiety. This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and it’s something I really want to implement in 2015.

Balance. I might be good at putting up a front, but I do not feel mentally stable at all. I hardly understand myself and how I function. Within an hour, I can go from feeling like I’m on cloud nine to feeling like a bundle of anxiety. I barely understand most of my feelings, especially since they seem to be changing constantly. I don’t necessarily need to completely understand myself in 2015–or really, ever, as I think that’s a very large task for one human to undertake; still, in searching for a balanced outlook in life, I’m hoping to feel a little more in control of myself.

So, 2015 will be the year of balance. I hope it will be a year full of adventure and friendship and fun and excitement and more learning and growth…but balance is the key word here.

This is not a New Years Resolution. This is a lifestyle I hope to embody.

Despite all the dark moments, 2014 was extraordinary. I feel more alive, more whole than I did a year ago…more than I ever have, for that matter. 2014 has undoubtedly been the most fulfilling year of my life so far. I only hope 2015 can be just as fulfilling; I firmly believe that, in my case, balance is where that fulfillment begins.